What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

When she asked me how she looked .

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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

What do porn stars do when they get old?

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

What is better? Tik Tok or YouTube?

As i do to all so called friends.?

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Who has gotten cured from a stage 4 breast cancer? The oncologist told her she would never be cured.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Is love natural, or is it somehow created?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

We were not on the streets..

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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I have no regrets .

How big is the French Army?

I couldn’t, believe it.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Where can I sell naked pics of myself online?

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

My family never makes their pension either.

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The only rule us 5 kids had .

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

But it wasn’t much.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

And i lived it daily.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

But ive been too sick for many years..

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

We all went to grammer schools

Was to survive, this bastard.

I write beautiful poetry .

She loved him until the end.

It was going to be , some day.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I never cut or harmed myself..

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Why did i forgive my father ?

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I could never make a relationship work though!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I think the readers, may guess!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I waited trembling.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

(And it was in our own minds.)

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

All the time i was locked up.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Put me off passion for life!!

She married twice! .

He knew the spot.

Im still living with it.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

What did i know ?

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I don,t even have a pension.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Especially a lifetime of it.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Who then, do I blame.?

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

She found it foreign!.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

So, i spoilt her more .

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I was seconnd youngest,

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

My life is so biszare .

She was in good health!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I was very sick at this time too.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I will be 64.

But, we were locked up after school.

So whats the point in blame.

She wouldn,t have been !

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

One cannot live in the past .

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

This is soul school!.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Would this be the day?

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I was scared of men, in general

Comes on , in middle age.

I said to her

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I was 9 years of age.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Ive learnt so much.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.